A knock-knock joke and others

by Eric Bell
(Bergville School)

"knock, knock" "who's there?" "do!" "do who?" do me a favor dummy, open the door?


A police recruit was asked during the exam, "What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?" He answered, "Call for backup."


Why did the child eat his homework? Because his teacher said it was a piece of cake.

Little Ronny

by Joe van Staden
(Montana)

Little Ronny went to school Friday and at the end of the day Ronny's teacher told him to go home and learn the first four letters of the alphabet.

He went home and asked his sister about the first four letters.
She said "Shut up"

Then he goes to big brother and asks him,
He say's "Hop on baby let's go"

Then he goes to his dad
He said "Trash trash trash"

Then he goes to his little brother
He said "Batman nah nah Batman"

Then on Monday little Ronny goes to school and his teacher asks what is the first letter of the alphabet

Ronny says "Shut up"

The teacher's patience is low and so she asks "What's the second letter then?"

Ronny says "Hop on baby"

The teacher say's, "That's it, we are going to the Principal's office." He says "Hop on baby let's go then." They go to the Principal's office and the Principal say's "What do you think this school is?"

Ronny say's "Trash trash trash"

The Principal then say's "Who do you think you are?"

"Batman nah nah nah batman"

Poor Little Ronny

The Three Unwise Men

by Dawn Sauvene
(Milwaukee)

These three men won a contest. The prize was a wish from Merlin. The three men all wanted toilets. The first man wanted a wooden toilet. So he got his wish. The second man wanted a metal toilet. So he got his wish. The third man wanted a talking toilet. So he got his wish.

The next day they all wanted to return their toilets. The first one said "My toilet rotted through." So Merlin took his toilet back. The second one said" My toilet rusted," So Merlin took his toilet back. The third man said "Every time I try to sit on it, it starts to sing "I see your hinny, all white and shiny, if you don't hide it I'm gonna bite it.

Some one-liners

by Benny
(Rhode)

Why was the broom late? It over swept!

Why did the banana go to the doctor? Because he didn't PEEL well!

What is red and black, red and black, red and black? A zebra with sunburn.

Benny

The tiger in the car

by Simon Falks
(Boston)

A policeman noticed a man sitting in a car with a tiger next to him. The police officer said, "It's against the law to have a tiger in your car. Take him to the zoo."

The next day the police officer saw the same man in the same car with the same tiger. The police officer said, "I thought I told you to take that tiger to the zoo?" The man replied, "I did officer, and he liked it. Now we're going to the beach."

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Why do elephants paint their toenails red? So that they can hide in cherry trees. Don't be silly, elephants don't hide in cherry trees! Have you ever seen one in a cherry tree? No. Proves how good the disguise is, doesn't it?

Funny Dog Joke

by Sancho Vallez
(Santa Monica)

Two men were waiting for a bus, between them was a dog.

One guy said to the other, "Does your dog bite?"

The other guy replied, "No my dog doesn't bite, he's very friendly."

So the first guy petted the dog and the dog almost savaged his hand.

"I thought you said your dog doesn't bite?"

"Yes I know I did, but that ain't my dog."

Knock-knock and Othe Jokes

by Margaret Morezz
(Costa Rica)

Knock Knock,

"Who's There?"
"Spell"
"Spell Who? "
W-H-O.


How much do pirates pay for earrings?
A Buck-an-Ear (Buccaneer)


Why was 6 afraid of 7? Because 7-8-9 (Seven Ate Nine)

Dobermans Warning

by Gerald Harper
(Denver)

There is a sign outside our neighbors house in Denver:
TRESPASSERS WILL BE PROSECUTED TO THE FULL EXTENT OF TWO DOBERMAN PINSCHERS!

Karate Joke

by Morgan Teggard
(Cardiff)

A man goes into a pet store and tells the owner he wants a dog. The owner gets out a fluffy poodle but the man says "No, I want a really BIG dog. One that will guard the house".

So, the owner gets out this huge dog and says "This dog should do - he's been trained in karate!"

Amazed, the man says "That's incredible, let me see" So, the owner pulls out a piece of wood and says "Karate the wood".

In seconds the dog tears the wood apart. So he buys the dog and takes it home to show to his wife. As he walks in with the dog he says "Darling, I've got a wonderful guard dog, he's been trained in karate!"

"Karate", his wife says, "Karate, my Ass!".

Doctor and Patient

by Connie Wills
(NY)

Doctor, "What seems to be the problem?" Patient, "Doc, I've got the farts. I mean I fart all the time," The Doctor nods, "Hmmmm." Patient, "My farts do not stink and you can't hear them. It's just that I fart all the time. Look, we've been talking here for about 10 minutes and I've farted five times. You didn't hear them and you don't smell them, do you?"

"Hmm," says the Doctor, He picks up his pad and writes out a prescription. The patient is thrilled "Great doc. This prescription, will it really clear up my farts?" "No," sighs the Doctor, "The prescription is to clear your sinuses. Next week I want you back here for a hearing test."

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One day, a mailman was greeted by a boy and his dog. The mailman said to the boy, "Does your dog bite?" "No," replied the boy. Just then, the dog bit the mailman. "Hey, "he yelled. "I thought your dog doesn't bite!" "He doesn't," replied the boy, "that's not my dog.

Weirdo

by Teya
(USA)

Knock Knock
Whos there
Weirdo
Weirdo Who
Weirdo you think your going

The Chemistry Final

by Ansel Rovenhauer
(Maine)

Introductory Chemistry was taught at Duke University for many years by professor Bonk. One year, two guys took the class and did pretty well on all the quizzes and mid-terms–so much so that going into the final, they each had a solid A.

These two friends were so confident going into the final that the weekend before finals week, despite the chemistry final being on Monday, they decided to go to the University of Virginia to party with some friends.

They had a great time. However, with their hangovers and tiredness, they overslept all day Sunday and didn’t make it back to Duke until early Monday morning.

Rather than taking the final then, they found professor Bonk after the final and explained to him how they missed the final. They told him they went up to the University of Virgina for the weekend and had planned to come back in time to study, but they had a flat tire on the way back and didn’t have a spare. They couldn’t fix it for a long time and were late getting back to campus.

Bonk thought this over and agreed that they could take the final the following day. The two guys, elated and relieved, studied that night and went in the next day at the time that Bonk had told them. He placed them in separate rooms and handed each of them a test booklet. He told them to begin.

They looked at the first problem which was something simple about molarity and solutions; it was worth 5 points. “Cool,” they thought, “this is going to be an easy final”. They then turned the page. They were unprepared, however, for what they saw. The question contained only two words: (95 points) Which tire?

A few Good Old Jokes From Old Folks

by Erika Chung
(CA)

To lose one parent may be regarded as a misfortune, to lose both looks like carelessness. -Oscar Wilde

All babies are supposed to look like me - at both ends! -Churchill

A dentist got married to a manicurist. They fought tooth and nail.

If you want to get a pet for your child, might I suggest a chicken? Why? So when they get bored with it you can enjoy a lovely roast dinner!

As a rule there is only one person a girl hates more than she hates her eldest sister, and that is her mother. GBS

A String Joke

by Jada Goan
(Marsden)

There once was a piece of string and he went to a bar and said to the bar man can i have a drink please and the bar man said we don't serve pieces of string here.

So the piece of string went to the next bar and said to the bar man can I have a drink please and the bar man said we don't serve pieces of string here.

So the peace of string went outside tossed and turned until he was in a big knot so the piece of string went to the next bar and said to the bar man "Can i have a drink please?" and the bar man said "I don't know, are you a piece of string?" and the piece of string said "I'm afraid knot."

by jada goan

KETCHUP

by isabella patino
(california)

Once there was a mom tomato a dad tomato and a baby tomato.They were all walking down the street one day and the baby was far behind so the dad goes to the baby, squishes him, and says "KETCHUP"

A Few Old Time Jokes

by Pella Jorge
(Manila)

I chased a girl for several years to discover her tastes were exactly like mine. We were both crazy about girls. Groucho Marx

Marriage is like an adventure - like going to war! G.K. Chesterton.

Getting married is like sitting in a tub of hot water. After you've been in it for awhile, it is not so hot!
-Minnie Pearl.

moo

by katherine liriano
(Miami,florida)

what does the cow read every morning A moospaper

The Twins

by Polly Day
(Colorado)

A woman was having twins but right after she had them, she went into a coma. Her brother came in to name them. After the woman came out of the coma she asked her brother how her twins were doing. He said they were doing fine. "What did you name the girl?" she asked "Denise," he said. She liked the name. "And what's the boy's name?" she asked. He replied, "Denephew."

Jailbreak and potatoe sacks

by Sara Belfonte
(CA)

Three girls break out of jail. They find a barn and hide inside some potato sacks. When the police officers found the sacks they decided to kick them to make sure the fugitives weren't inside them.

When the officer kicked the first sack the first girl said, "Meow." The officer said, "It's just a dumb cat." He kicked the second sack and the second girl said, "Ruff!" He said, "It's just a dumb dog." When he kicked the third sack the girl said, "Potatoes!"

The Ring Bear

by Louise Beckett
(GA)

A little boy was at a relative's wedding. As he was going down the aisle, he would take two steps, stop, and turn to the crowd. While facing the crowd, he would put his hands up like claws and roar. So it went, step, step, ROAR, step, step, ROAR, all the way down the aisle.

As you can imagine, the crowd were near tears from laughing so much by the time he reached the pulpit. When asked what he was doing, the child sniffed and said, "I was being the Ring Bear."

A Nurse, Dentist and General

by Cathy Taylor
(Worcester)

A dentist, a nurse, and an army general are flying. The dentist decides to drop a tooth brush out of the plane. The nurse drops down a medical kit and the army general drops a bomb.

They land the airplane to see what happened... First they found a guy looking for his false teeth.Next they found a guy bandaging his wounds. Lastly they found a young boy laughing his head off. They asked him what happened and he said, "My grandfather farted and blew up his house."

That Darn Tie

by Laita Morgen
(Nebraska)

A school teacher injured his back and had to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. He wore it under his shirt and it was not noticeable at all. On the first day of the term, still with the cast under his shirt, he found himself assigned to the toughest class in the school. Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, he opened the window as wide as possible and then busied himself with desk work.

The classroom became a bit unruly and he admonished them. This happened several times. While working at his desk, the strong breeze from the window made his tie flap annoyingly. He kept rearranging and rearranging the tie as the class become more and more unmanageable.

Finally, becoming disgusted with the wayward tie, he stood up and took a big stapler off his desk and stapled the tie to his chest in several places. Discipline was not a problem from that day forth.

A Store Holdup

by Sal Valas
(NM)

A man walked into a convenience store with a gun and demanded that the cashier put all the money from the register into a bag. The teller did. Then the man saw a bottle of Scotch behind the counter and told the cashier to give it to him.

The cashier refused and said she did not believe he was over 21. The man insisted that he was. The cashier held her ground. Finally, the man took out his driver's license and showed it to her. The cashier looked it over carefully and sure enough, he was over 21.

She gave him the Scotch and the man left. Two hours later he was arrested after she called the police with his name and address.

Laughing Pig

by Paul
(Costa Rica)

What do pigs do for laughs? They tell pig jokes!

How do you stop a charging bull? Take away his credit card.

There are plenty of online jokes. Jokes on kids, school, parents, games, the internet, animals, boys etc. I think it is good to spread some laughter and make someone's day go so much better! So send a joke via SMS to your buddies.

And send some more of your crazy jokes to me here.

Thanks
Paul.

Trouble and Shutup

by Perry Marshall
(Fla)

There was a guy named Shutup and a guy named Trouble. Trouble went to go get his hair cut and Shutup went grocery shopping. They both agreed that they would meet at the bus stop when they were done. Shutup got his shopping done so he waited at the bus stop.
A cop came up and asked Shutup what his name was. He said, "Shutup." The cop said, "I'm going to ask you one more time, what's your name again?" Shutup said, "Shutup." "Listen here, are you looking for trouble?"
Shutup asked, "Yes, which way did he go?"

Sarah Palin Joke

by Daisi Lane
(Iowa)

There are different kinds of jokes, but not all of them are funny. Some of the funniest ones can be making fun of politicians or celebrities, which can also have sexual connotations. Many of the late night talk shows are good at coming up with jokes about current events including politicians or real life stories about celebrities, including the late night talk show host themselves.

Even David Letterman was able to turn his personal fiasco into a series of jokes. While he was trying to explain his misgivings, the audience was continually laughing at what was a serious confession. Sometimes, a good joke is all in the way it is delivered.

One of the best jokes lately was one that was told by Joy Behar on CNN regarding Levi Johnston, the ex-boyfriend, baby-daddy, of Sarah Palin's daughter, Bristol. In speaking about Levi posing for an upcoming issue of Playgirl, Joy Behar says in the skeptical tone of hers, "Levi is planning on un-zipping his fly and revealing his "Johnston" for the whole world to see. Let's hope he isn't built like a moose, or Sarah Palin is liable to shoot him from a helicopter".

It's this off-color type of humor that can get funnier when you think about it later. It can also be known as sick humor, but jokes that are funny can be in the eye of the beholder.

Daisi

A married Couple

by Mia Lonsdale

There was a married couple sleeping and a psycho killer entered their house. The killer put a knife to the neck of the woman and said, “I like to know the names of my victims before I kill them, what is your name?”

”My name is Elizabeth,” the woman replied. The killer said, “You remind me of my mother who was also named Elizabeth, so I can’t kill you.”

The killer then turned to the husband and asked, “What is your name?” “My name’s Phillip, but my friends call me Elizabeth, too.”

Some Jokes To Share

by Karena
(Sandy Bay CT)

What did the booger say to the finger? I am stuck on you.

What did the orange say to the banana? You have great appeal.

What goes HA HA HA plop? A person laughing their head off.

After Hurricane Katrina, a news crew sees an elderly woman out walking. They notice that she is carrying a Bible, so they stopped her and ask her if she is glad the churches are open. The woman says "No". Astonished the news person asks "Why not?" To which the woman replies "Because I eat at Popeye's."

The Pope

by Sancho Vallas
(Madrid)

There was a Pope who was greatly loved by all of his followers, a man who led with gentleness, faith and wisdom. His passing was grieved by the entire world, Catholic or not.

As the Pope approached the gates of heaven it was St. Peter himself who greeted him with a firm embrace "Welcome your holiness, your dedication and unselfishness in serving your fellow man during your life has earned you great stature in heaven. You may pass through The Gates without delay and are granted free access to all parts of heaven."

"You are also granted an open door policy and may at your own discretion meet with any heavenly leader, including the Father without prior appointment, Is there anything your Holiness desires?"

"Well yes" the Pope replied. " I have often pondered some of the mysteries which have puzzled and confounded theologians through the ages. Are there perhaps any transcripts which recorded the actual conversations between The Lord and the prophets of old? I would love to see what was actually said, without the dimming of memories over time."

Saint Peter immediately ushered the Pope to the heavenly library and explained how to retrieve the various documents. The Pope was thrilled and settled down to review the history of man's relationship with The Lord.

Two years later, a scream of anguish pierced the stacks of the library. Immediately several of the Saints and Angels came running. There they found the Pope pointing to a single word on a parchment repeating over and over. "There's an "R" in it!!!...... There's an "R" in it!!!!...... There's an "R" in it!!!" "It's.....It's ....It's CELEBRATE not celibate."

A few funny jokes

by Pete
(Nebraska)

Here are a few of my funny jokes; hope you like them.

When you get to my age of 72, you'll wonder why your back goes out more than you do!

Looking sixty can be great - if you are approaching 90!

Did you know that banging you head against the wall can use up to 155 calories!

As you know, money does not buy you happiness - but it certainly does bring a more pleasant form of misery.

A Trifle deaf?

by Allard Louelle
(Lyon)

A man is walking down the street and he sees another man walking in front of him. On closer inspection he notices the man has a banana coming out of one ear, along with a cherry and some whipped cream while in the other ear there's a coconut and a big pineapple.

So he stops the man and says "Excuse me but did you know you have bananas, coconuts and stuff coming out of your ears?"

The man replies "Sorry, you'll have to speak up - I'm a trifle deaf"

Mosquito and a Yodel

by Abena Chinaza
(Malawi)

Daddy Mosquito: "
"How was it flying for the first time?"
Baby mosquito: "It was awesome, everywhere I went people clapped for me!"

Knock Knock!
" Who's there?"
"Little old lady"
" Little old lady who?"
"I didn't know you could yodel!"

comfortable

by Mariah
(lynn haven florida us)

so there were these two sisters and one was blond and the other was brunette. They were going through some hard times( their mom had just died) and she left them her farm.they needed more cows that they can sell so they looked for a bull in the paper under the classifieds. the brunette noticed an ad for a bull for 499 dollars and the yhad 500.the brunette went to go look at the bull at the mans house.the brunette got ready and headed up.after looking at the bull she loved him!she told the man to hold onto him that her sister would be up in a little while. he agreed and went inside. she headed to the post office to send a telegram. since it was 499 and she had 500 she only had 1dolar and the price per word was one dollar so she could only send one word. the post man asked what he wanted her to send and she said "comfortable" why comfortable he asked. she replied "because my sister is blonde and she will sound it out com-for-ta-ble!!!

knock knock jokes

by jaime
(cuduhy, ca, north america)

knock knock
whose there
Alison
alison who?
alison wonderland

My Aching Back!

by Janet Smythe
(Dorset)

They left the playhouse after a long talk on 18th century poets, my wife declared "Didn't that make your mind soar?"

"It sure did," the husband answered painfully, "And my backside too!"

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Cary: "Does your husband ever take your advice?"
Sally: "Occasionally, when nobody is around!"

A Blonde Joke?

by Blondie
(Kansas)

Tired of being called dumb for being a blonde, a blonde dyed her hair brunette.

She decided to show off her new hair color in her convertible by taking a drive. She was driving through the countryside when she came to a bunch of sheep and lambs crossing the road with their farmer behind. As they crossed the road she counted thirty-three of them. She had an idea.

"Farmer?" she inquired, "If I can tell you exactly how many sheep you have, may I have one of those cute baby lambs?" "Sure," the farmer said. "How many?" "Thirty-three," she told him. "Right! Go ahead," he said, so she got out of the car, picked one up and put it in her car.

As she was about to drive away the farmer said, "Ma'am, if I can tell you what color your hair used to be, can I have my dog back?"

A dog and other jokes

by Bette Smith
(Calgary)

A man goes into a bar and asks, "Does anyone here own that rottweiler outside?" "Yeah, I do!" a biker says, standing up. "What about it?" "Well, I think my chihuahua just killed him" "What are you talkin' about?" the biker says disbelievingly. "How could your little runt kill my rottweiler?" "Well, it seems he got stuck in your dog's throat!"

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When Suzy got home, she told her dad that she got a 100 in school. Her dad told her to sit down and tell him all about it. She said, "Well, I got a 20 in math, a 30 in science, and a 50 in spelling!

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A kindergarten teacher asked, "What is the shape of the earth ?" One little girl spoke up, "According to my Daddy, terrible!"